Yesterday
I had a full on meltdown… Cried hysterically into a hand towel (to muffle the
sound in hopes of not scaring the shit out of my children), used a half a box
of tissues to blow my nose, and had to force myself to breathe, for hours. My sweet husband checked on me several times, held me close, and told me how much he loved me. even in his own state of meltdown. He's my favorite, i love him so. despite the fleeting moments in which I choose to be bitter that my valentine's day involves sitting in my room in tears processing my world crashing around me.
I’m
not usually the type of person that is easily thrown off. I have spent a lot of
time working on creating balance for myself, I pride myself on being calm cool
and collected. It takes a lot to shake me… Yesterday was an earthquake,
followed by a tidal wave, and what felt like the destruction of all of my
dreams and hard work.
I
started the day by going to the end of BRIK workout and awards at Kaia (my
local women only tribe that works out together). I thought I might die several
times during the workout because it was so intense and I didn’t want to let my
team down by being too slow, but afterwards I felt awesome. We won, and our
prize is bragging rights and the fact that we all lived. However, there’s
something truly special about being in a room full of women that are supporting
one another and cheering each other on as we push ourselves to reach our goals.
I am a competitive person by nature, but in this space, I only compete with
myself. Others inspire me to push harder and keep reaching higher, but I am my
only competition. This is a unique feeling as a woman, not to compete with each
other. It has provided a much needed strength and stability in my life as I
work to overcome so many limiting beliefs and OLD baggage. There’s also that
scientific endorphin release from working out that I always thought was a
crock, but turns out to be true… If you’ve been hearing about this from people
and internally rolling your eyes because “working out couldn’t possibly give me
MORE energy, and make me feel more emotionally stable,” I am here to tell you
they aren’t lying. That quote was me, a year ago. Now, I can only go three days
in between a workout before I start to lose my sanity. If I miss my am class,
because I am in the ER with my sick kiddo (real life example from a week ago),
I am counting on breaking loose in time to hit an evening class (which I did,
and made it just in time!). Because I really do feel better when I leave.
Anyway, I
was having a pretty good morning. Especially because the energy during the
awards is so positive and awesome. I absorb all of the good things that happen
and use them like a little solar light. Then I checked in with my husband. I
got the news. Queue the earthquake. Life crashing all around me. Months of struggling
to get by with the promise that it would all be better soon. Just keep holding
your head above water; it will all be over soon. GONE. No life raft. I can’t
breathe. What now? Oh, I’ll tell you what… A full-blown adult meltdown.
A
series of earthquakes have been rumbling in my life leading up to this. Many of
which have required me to hold myself up in a doorway until it stopped.
My husband returned from deployment, two
months later he was unexpectedly unemployed. It took a month to find a job. We
took a dramatic cut in pay. Starting out in a civilian job after being full
time in the military for years is tough. Throughout all of this, I stayed positive.
I was so grateful that my husband enjoyed his job. This is also the same time
a family member pops back into our lives after a leave of absence (due to alcohol abuse). They are hungover, or still drunk, and tells me they attempted suicide
and failed only hours ago. This churns up all sorts of debris from my
childhood. trying to navigate how to love someone with an addiction unconditionally, when there is so much history of abuse in my life has been extremely difficult. This creates a constant state of stress for me that I can only liken
to Keegan’s seizures… When Keegan had seizures, there were the ones you would
see, that I couldn’t describe because they literally break my heart, but even
when you didn’t see seizures, his brain was in a constant state of seizure. My
life has been a constant state of seizure, whether it was visible to anyone
else or not. Speaking of Keegan, I’ve also been struggling with the fear that
one day he will die. We’ve had a few scares. I’ve witnessed other losses. I’m
not going all the way into the rabbit hole but there’s been a whole series of
rumblings there.
I’ve
used every tool in my toolbox to keep moving forward. I’ve focused all of my
energy on creating positive in my life. There is so much positive in my life,
always.
I got my Cosmetology license after years of being terrified to even
take the first step. I started looking for a salon to call my home. I continued
to pursue my own business with doTERRA and helping others. Helping others
always helps me. I partnered with a group to raise money for a therapeutic
riding program so that kids with special needs could ride horses without
straining their family. I challenged myself to become stronger physically,
overcoming injury. I’ve kept my heart open, my eyes up, all while my life has
been seizing and crumbling.
Yesterday
I found out that the life raft isn’t coming. It was, as they would say, the
last straw. A huge gaping tear. The deep dark ugly is visible. All of the worst
thoughts I have about myself rose to the surface. It’s my fault. I’ve failed my
family. I will always be a failure.
Someone
posted something recently about how difficult it is for people who are poor to ever
get out of poverty...
That has been in the forefront of my mind since I read it. I grew up extremely poor. I didn’t realize until yesterday that one of my
big fears if for my children to have the same experience. We’ve always been
able to provide everything that they’ve needed, and some of what they want. But
our family has always lived paycheck to paycheck, like so many others. I am realizing
this is a taboo subject, like a miscarriage (or if you’re me seizures), we just
don’t talk about it. We Lived paycheck to paycheck monstly comfortably... until my husband lost his job. All
the feelings of shame rush in, people judging our family, criticizing me… We
shouldn’t be in this position. We should have a plan, a savings. We don’t. My
life raft is torched.
I
spent part of my meltdown yesterday ashamed for even being in this position. I
spent part devastated that my dreams were ripped out from under me. I spent
another beating myself bloody worrying about what I thought others would think;
which is ultimately, what I think… I am a failure, it’s my own fault, and I
deserve to be here, just leave me to die. Honestly some of that is only
perpetuated because I do know people who will think that, who will judge me. It’s
inevitable.
Somewhere
inside the earth shattering, I asked myself how to create something different.
If I believe that I have control of my life… How can I take control and make
this something different? What good can come from this? Where can I pull out
something good? In between all of that, I had a little pity party… I am a good
person. I do good things. We try so hard. Why is this happening? Everything was
going to be okay, and now? More hyperventilating sobbing. More self-deprecating
I deserve this beating. Eventually it clicked that this was going in circles,
and I called someone I trust. I exposed all of my fear and the ugliness I was feeling.
I finally reached a point where I could breathe, and stopped sobbing uncontrollably.
I decide to take a break from it, to just get through the rest of the day. I chose to hold my husband close and tell him how much I loved him. We decided ultimately that's all that really matters anyway... We have each other.
Today
I woke up, my eyes don’t burn as badly. I am looking around at the ruble
wondering how to rebuild. I’ve resolved to rebuild... that's a step... To take whatever I can from
this awful situation. I thought that I was over the learning to lean on others
when my husband came home. I really struggle with needing help, and I thought
that part would be done when he came home… Apparently, that was just
preparation.
I need help. In order to get help.. I have to ask. I have to be willing to accept help.
The
reality is that we haven’t been holding our heads above water. We have been
slowly drowning. I thought we could recover on our own. It’s my thing, thinking
I can do it all on my own. I’m sure I’ll laugh at that part later. Here I stand
with my little white flag, in the middle of the wreckage. After my hope has
been smothered, trying to gently blow on the last little embers. Because no, I
don’t deserve this. I don’t have to sit in this darkness alone. I don’t have to
be afraid of what anyone will think, and that is not allowed to stop me. I have
to have faith that my help is on the way. I believe this is challenging me to
shine a light into this darkness that so many live in. Instead of working so
hard to put on a good face and to not let anyone know… I’ve committed my life
to being real, being vulnerable. So there it is, in all its dark and twisty
glory. In all my honesty about the challenges in my world, I NEVER would expect
this to come out… Now that it has, I can only turn my face toward the warm
light of the sun and wait for the rainbow.
My faith tells me that there is good in everything. it is my hope to find the good in everything and bring it to light. I don't know what will come from this situation... But my hope is that it brings light to dark places in other people's lives as well.
